A 30-day plan to beat approach anxiety
Approach anxiety drops with repetition, not with insight. You can understand exactly why your heart races and still freeze tomorrow. What changes it is doing slightly scary things often enough that your body stops treating them as an emergency. This plan gives you one specific task per day for 30 days, starting well below anything that scares you and finishing with asking people out.
How the plan works
It's built on graded exposure, the method behind most anxiety treatment: start with something mildly uncomfortable, repeat it until it's boring, then step up. The background is in approach anxiety: why it happens.
You'll rate your nerves with a simple 0 to 10 scale before each task. That's a version of the Subjective Units of Distress Scale, which psychiatrist Joseph Wolpe created in 1969 for exactly this kind of step-by-step exposure work. 0 is completely calm. 10 is the worst anxiety you can imagine. You want most tasks to start around a 4 to 6. Below 3, step up. Above 7, drop back a day.
Jia Jiang's "100 days of rejection" project is a well-known version of the same idea. He made deliberately odd requests to strangers every day, including asking a Krispy Kreme employee on day three to make doughnuts shaped like the Olympic rings. She did it. His TEDx talk about the project, given at TEDxMtHood in May 2015, has over 11 million plays on TED's site. The early weeks of this plan borrow from his approach. More in rejection therapy.
The rules
- Do the day's minimum. Extra is fine. Less isn't.
- Write two numbers per task: your 0 to 10 rating before and after.
- Miss a day, repeat it. Don't skip ahead. Never miss two in a row.
- Rest days are review days. Look at your numbers, nothing else.
- No alcohol for the first 21 days. You're training sober nerves.
- Leave when they want you to. Short answers, turning away, or a no means you say "Have a good one" and go.
The 30 days
Week 1: talk to anyone
| Day | Task | Minimum |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Ask strangers for the time | 3 people |
| 2 | Say "morning" or "hey" with eye contact | 10 people |
| 3 | Ask for a recommendation: "What's good here?" or "Read anything good lately?" | 3 people |
| 4 | Give a quick compliment on something they chose (jacket, dog, shoes), keep walking | 3 people |
| 5 | Talk to service staff past the transaction: one real question about them | 2 people |
| 6 | Make a request likely to get a no: "Any chance of 10 percent off?" | 2 requests |
| 7 | Rest and review: average your before-ratings for the week | Write it down |
Week 2: talk to people you find attractive, no agenda
| Day | Task | Minimum |
|---|---|---|
| 8 | Ask someone you find attractive a situational question, leave after their answer | 1 |
| 9 | Same as day 8 | 2 |
| 10 | Situational opener, stay for at least three back-and-forths | 2 |
| 11 | Compliment opener, then leave: "I liked your style, had to say it. Have a good day." | 1 |
| 12 | One venue, 60 minutes, open three times | 3 |
| 13 | Go out with a friend; each of you does three | 3 |
| 14 | Rest and review: compare this week's average to week 1 | Write it down |
Week 3: say you're interested
| Day | Task | Minimum |
|---|---|---|
| 15 | Two openers; in one, say why you came over: "I thought you were cute and wanted to say hi." | 2 |
| 16 | A direct opener: "Hi, I saw you and wanted to come say hi. I'm Alex." | 1 |
| 17 | Three approaches; keep at least one going past three minutes | 3 |
| 18 | Approach within five seconds of noticing someone, no circling | 3 |
| 19 | Approach someone with a friend; include the friend from the first line | 1 |
| 20 | New kind of venue (if you've done cafes, try a market or a bar) | 3 |
| 21 | Rest and review: which opener got the warmest response? | Write it down |
Week 4: ask
| Day | Task | Minimum |
|---|---|---|
| 22 | Three approaches; ask for a number in any that's going well | 3 |
| 23 | Evening venue: bar, trivia night, or event | 3 |
| 24 | Suggest an instant date: "I'm grabbing a coffee next door. Come for 15 minutes?" | 1 ask |
| 25 | Five approaches inside 90 minutes | 5 |
| 26 | Solo session, no friend | 3 |
| 27 | The one you've been avoiding: the setting or type of approach that still rates highest | 1 |
| 28 | Five approaches; ask for a number in every conversation that goes past three minutes | 5 |
| 29 | Free day: your choice of venue | 3 |
| 30 | Final review: day 1 average vs day 30 average, set next month's weekly minimum | Write it down |
If you hit every minimum, that's about 50 approaches to people you're attracted to, plus more than 20 low-stakes warm-up interactions in week 1. It's not the 100 in the 100 approaches challenge, but it's enough to see your ratings move.
Lines for the asks
When a conversation has been good for a few minutes, asking is short:
- "I'm enjoying this. I'd like to keep talking another time. What's your number?"
- "I've got to head off, but I'd like to see you again. Can I get your number?"
If they say no or hesitate: "No worries. It was nice meeting you." Then leave. You'll find more wording options in how to ask for a number.
Common mistakes and the fix
Jumping ahead because week 1 feels easy. Easy is the point. Finish the week; the boredom is what carries into week 2.
Doing the task, then skipping the ratings. Without numbers you'll remember the one bad night and forget the twelve fine ones. Write them in the moment.
Choosing "safe" people to approach. If you only talk to people you're not attracted to after week 1, the fear you're working on never gets touched.
Circling for 20 minutes before each approach. Set a timer for one minute once you've picked someone. When it ends, go. Day 18 trains this directly.
Treating a rejection as a failed day. The task was to approach. A no still completes it, and it counts exactly the same as a yes.
Quitting after a bad night. Repeat the last day you rated below 6 and carry on from there.
What to do next
- Tonight, set a daily phone reminder for the time you'll do each task, ideally when you're already out (lunch break, commute, evening walk).
- Make a simple note with columns: day, task, before rating, after rating, one sentence on what happened. Fill in day 1's row tomorrow.
- Pick your three week-1 locations now: one coffee shop, one grocery store, one street or park you pass daily.
- Text one friend today and ask if they'll join you on day 13. If nobody can, post a plan for that evening on Flow's Wingman tab.
- Before each day, spend five minutes on the warm-up in warming up before your first approach.
- On day 30, set a weekly minimum for month two, such as three approaches a week, so the habit doesn't fade.
If you want the counting done for you, Flow logs each approach as a success or rejection, tracks your streak, and shows your totals and success rate for the month. Passes don't count, so the numbers reflect the times you actually went.