How to approach someone who's with friends

When the person you'd like to meet is with friends, talk to the friends too. Not as a tactic. Because they're there, they're looking out for each other, and they'll decide within about ten seconds whether you're a pleasant addition to the evening or someone to be steered away from. If you ignore them and fix all your attention on one person, you've made that decision easy for them.

Most people you'll want to meet, especially on a night out, will be with someone. So this covers most of the approaches you'll make.

Why the friends matter

Put yourself in their position. A stranger walks over and starts talking only to your friend, turning his back on you. You don't know him. You've seen how men behave in bars sometimes. Your instinct is to check in with her, and maybe to pull her away. That's a good instinct, and it's what you'd want your own friends to do.

So the goal with the group is to make it obvious, quickly, that you're friendly, sober enough, and easy to get rid of if they'd rather you left. Once the friends relax, the person you're interested in relaxes too.

Read the group before you go over

Spend a moment noticing what's going on.

• Closed circle, intense conversation? Leave it. They're in the middle of something.
• Celebrating something? A birthday or a bachelorette party can be fun to join briefly, but don't try to make the night about you.
• Loose group, people glancing around, standing at the edge of the bar? More open.
• Two people together? Usually close friends or a couple. Be extra careful not to leave one standing alone.

Also notice whether anyone seems to be with the person you like as a partner. You won't always know. More on that below.

How to open

Talk to the group, or at least to the side of it, and address everyone. Keep it light and short.

• "Hi, sorry to jump in. You all look like you're having the best night in here. What's the occasion?"
• "Quick question for you all. Is the food here worth ordering, or should we leave before we're tempted?"
• "Hi, I'm Chris. I'm here with a friend who's disappeared to the bar for twenty minutes, so I'm making new ones."

Only use a line like the last one if it's true. Pickup advice used to recommend invented stories and fake "opinion" questions for groups. If they ask follow-up questions, you either keep lying or get caught. Neither helps. Real, small questions work fine.

Introduce yourself to people one by one if it feels natural. Shake hands if someone offers. Learn names and use them. If someone makes a joke, laugh. You're joining their conversation, not taking it over.

Showing interest in one person, honestly

After a few minutes of easy chat with the whole group, you can turn more toward the person you came over for. Don't vanish from everyone else. Just angle toward them and talk to them directly.

At some point, be honest about why you're there. It's kinder than letting everyone guess.

• "I'll be honest, I came over because I wanted to meet you."
• "I'm glad I came over. I was hoping to talk to you specifically."

Say it so others can hear, without making a speech of it. This helps the friends too: now they know what's going on and can watch how their friend responds.

If she lights up and keeps talking to you, great. Keep including the others now and then. A comment to her friend, a question back to the group. That way nobody feels abandoned.

Don't separate people to pressure them

Old pickup material talks about "isolating" someone, which means getting them away from their friends so they're easier to persuade. Flow doesn't recommend it. Separating someone from the people looking out for them, especially after drinks, is exactly what makes approaches unsafe.

There's an honest version of wanting a quieter conversation. Ask openly and in front of the group: "It's so loud here. Want to step over to the terrace for ten minutes? I'll bring you back." If she says no, or glances at her friends uncertainly, drop it and stay where you are. If she says yes, keep it short and in sight, and bring her back when you said you would.

Mixed groups and the guy who might be the boyfriend

If there are men in the group, be friendly to them like anyone else. Don't treat them as rivals.

If you're not sure whether someone is with the person you like, you can just ask lightly: "How do you all know each other?" That usually clears it up. If he's her partner, say something like "Ah, nice to meet you both," chat for another minute, and move on. Don't keep flirting.

When it goes badly

A friend cuts in with "We're kind of in the middle of something." "Got it, sorry to interrupt. Enjoy your night." Then leave. Don't hover at the edge.

The group is polite but cold. Short answers, nobody asks you anything back. Wrap it up yourself: "I'll let you get back to it. Nice meeting you."

A friend pulls her away to the bathroom or the dance floor. Let it happen. Don't follow. If she wants to keep talking, she'll come back.

Someone in the group is rude. Stay friendly and leave. You don't need to win anything.

You get on great with the friends but not with her. It happens. Enjoy the chat, then say goodbye without trying to work the friends to get to her.

All the usual rules from consent and respect apply, and with a group there are more people watching how you take a no. Take it well.

If it goes well

When the conversation has been good, ask for the number in a way that doesn't put her on the spot in front of everyone. A quiet "I'd like to see you again. Can I get your number?" works. If she gives it, say goodbye to the group, not just to her. People remember that. See how to ask for a number for more.

For reading whether she's actually into it amid all the group noise, signs of interest helps. And for the bar-specific side of things, read night game.

Group approaches are a good thing to compare notes on. The forum in Flow has a field reports section where people write up how approaches went, including the awkward group moments, and others reply with what they'd try next time.