How to ask someone out
Asking someone out is a short, specific sentence with a day, a time, and a place in it. "We should hang out sometime" isn't an invitation. "Are you free Thursday at 7? There's a wine bar on Elm I've been wanting to try" is.
Two coaches give very similar advice on this. Corey Wayne, author of How to Be a 3% Man (2006), tells readers to "ask for the order": be direct about what you want. Todd V's five-step System ends with a Close, where you suggest meeting after a few qualifying questions. Both come down to the same move: say the plan out loud, plainly, with a little confidence.
Before you ask: the signal check
You don't need certainty. You need a few good signs.
- She's still talking after five or more minutes.
- She asks you questions back.
- She laughs, smiles, and turns her body toward you.
- She touches her hair, leans in, or lingers.
If you want a longer list, how to tell if someone is interested covers it. If you see none of these after ten minutes, thank her and move on.
The five-step ask
- Get the conversation to a high point. Ask right after a laugh, a shared interest, or a moment of good eye contact. Not at the end when it's winding down.
- Seed the idea. Todd V's version is a qualifying question: "Are you adventurous?" or "Do you like coffee?" Anything that makes her say yes to something related to your plan.
- Name the plan in one sentence. A specific activity, day, and time.
- Ask for her number to confirm. "Give me your number and I'll send you the details."
- Close warmly and go. Corey Wayne's rule of thumb is to approach, set the date, and move on. Don't extend the conversation just to avoid leaving.
Exact lines
In person, high energy
- "I'm having a good time talking to you. Let's get a coffee this week. How about Thursday at 6?"
- "You seem like someone who'd like the new ramen place on Main. Free Friday night?"
- "I'd like to take you out. Are you free Saturday afternoon?"
With a qualifying question
- "Are you adventurous? There's a night market on Sunday I want to check out. Want to come?"
- "Do you like live music? There's a small jazz bar I like. Wednesday at 8?"
Time-bound, when you've only got a minute
- "I have to run in a minute, but I want to see you again. What's your number?"
- "I'm tempted to ask you for a drink, but I have one last question first. What's your schedule like this week?" (This is a line from Todd V's writing on daytime approaches.)
Light and low pressure
- "Come with me for a coffee. Twenty minutes. If it's boring, you can leave."
By text, after getting a number
- "Hey, it's Sam from the bookstore. I enjoyed our chat. Free Thursday at 7 for a drink at Larkin's?"
- "Still thinking about the debate on pizza. Come settle it over a slice Friday?"
Corey Wayne's phone script, from his site, is: "Hey, here's my number. Give me a call and let's chat for a bit and maybe meet up for a drink." It leaves her to make the next move.
Make it specific
| Vague | Specific |
|---|---|
| "We should hang out." | "Are you free Thursday at 7?" |
| "Want to get dinner sometime?" | "There's a good Thai place on 5th. Friday at 7:30?" |
| "Let me know when you're free." | "I'm free Tuesday or Thursday after 6. Which works?" |
Vague invitations put the work on her. A specific plan gives her an easy yes or an easy counteroffer.
Choose a low-stakes plan
First dates work best when they're short, public, and easy to leave: coffee, a drink, a walk, a market. Matthew Hussey suggests a 20-minute coffee in the middle of the day instead of a full dinner with someone you don't know yet. See first date ideas for more.
Handling the answer
- Yes: Confirm the details and take her number. Text within a day or two: "Looking forward to Thursday. Still good for 7?"
- Maybe: "No pressure. What day usually works for you?" Offer one alternative. If she doesn't commit, say "No worries, it was nice meeting you."
- Busy this week: "No problem. How about next week? Tuesday or Thursday?" Once.
- No: "No problem. Take care." Then leave. A no is the end of it, and a polite exit is the best thing you can leave behind.
If she says she has a boyfriend, see what to do when she says "I have a boyfriend".
Common mistakes and the fix for each
- Asking too late, in a lull. Fix: ask at a high point, within a few minutes of her laughing.
- Asking with an apology. "I know this is random, but maybe, if you want..." Fix: say it plainly, with a smile.
- Leaving the plan open. Fix: pick a day, time, and place.
- Making it too big. A full dinner with a stranger is a high commitment. Fix: coffee or a drink.
- Asking by text first. Without a number or contact, the text is cold. Fix: ask in person, then confirm by text.
- Waiting a week to text. Fix: send the plan within a day or two. See what to text after getting a number.
What to do next
- Write your default ask in one sentence with a day, time, and place. Practice saying it out loud ten times.
- Choose two spots near you (a cafe and a bar) that you can suggest without thinking.
- In your next good conversation, ask by minute ten. Don't wait for a perfect moment.
- Hold the plan to under 45 minutes for a first meeting.
- Text the confirmation within a day of getting the number, and again on the morning of the date.
- Log the outcome in Flow. Use the outcome funnel (got number, texted, date set, went on a date) to see where you drop off. If you're getting numbers but not dates, tighten your ask.