How to start a conversation with a stranger
Strangers want to talk more than you think. In a 2014 study, Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder asked Chicago commuters to strike up a conversation with whoever sat next to them on the train. Before the ride, people expected it to be hard to start a conversation and guessed that fewer than half of their fellow passengers would want to talk. Afterward, the ones who talked reported a more pleasant commute than the ones told to sit quietly. A 2018 paper by Erica Boothby and colleagues found something similar after the conversation ends: people underestimate how much the other person liked them. They called it the liking gap.
So the problem usually isn't the other person. It's the first ten seconds, and the first ten seconds can be learned.
The first minute, step by step
- Get close enough to talk at normal volume. About an arm's length to two meters. If you have to raise your voice across a room, you're too far.
- Approach from the front or side. Coming up from behind startles people. Let them see you coming for a second or two.
- Say your opener. One sentence, at a slightly louder volume than feels natural. Nerves make people mumble.
- Follow up within five seconds of their answer. Most conversations die here, not at the opener. Have a second line ready.
- Give something about yourself and swap names by the two-minute mark. "I'm Sam, by the way." A conversation where only one side shares stays a survey.
Lines that work, by situation
The best openers comment on something you're both dealing with or ask a real question. Pick one that's true for the moment you're in.
In a line or queue
- "Is this the line for tickets, or did I just join something random?"
- "Is it always this slow, or did we pick a bad time?"
- "What are you getting? I've never been here."
Coffee shop or bakery
- "Have you had the cold brew here? I can't decide."
- "That looks better than what I ordered. What is it?"
- "Is this seat taken? Also, is the wifi as bad for you as it is for me?"
Bookstore, record shop, market
- "Have you read anything else by her? I'm trying to figure out where to start."
- "I need a gift for my sister and I'm lost. What would you pick?"
Transit or waiting room
- "Do you know if this one stops at Central?"
- "I've never seen this train so packed. Is there a game tonight?"
Event, class, or meetup
- "Hi, I'm Sam. First time at one of these?"
- "How did you end up here?"
Direct, when you just want to meet them
- "Hi. This is a bit random, but I saw you and wanted to say hello. I'm Sam."
Two coaching methods worth stealing
Charlie Houpert's Charisma on Command has a video called "How To Talk To Strangers - The Human Google Method." The idea is to ask people around you for things you'd normally look up on your phone: what's good on the menu, where to eat nearby, which trail is better. People like being asked for advice. Once they've answered, you move to questions with some feeling behind them, like "What made you pick this place?" or "Is that your go-to?" The same video recommends a plain introduction with a handshake in closed social settings like parties or events, where everyone expects to meet new people.
Matthew Hussey teaches a version built on a small favor. In a segment for Entertainment Tonight he suggested asking someone to watch your jacket "for two seconds" while you drop drinks off with friends, then coming back with "Thank you so much. How's your night going anyway?" He also tells people to make more eye contact than feels necessary and to smile, because, in his words, a smile is often "the difference between a person doing nothing and doing something."
Both methods do the same thing. They give the other person an easy, low-effort reason to answer, then they build from there. If you want more opener options, see openers that work.
The follow-up is where it lives or dies
Say your opener lands: "Yeah, the cold brew's good, but it's strong." Now what? Three moves keep it going.
- React with an opinion. "Strong is fine. I've been up since five." This gives them something to respond to.
- Ask a slightly bigger question. "Do you live around here, or are you just visiting the good coffee?"
- Share a detail. "I just moved two streets over. Still figuring out where everything is."
Aim for roughly one question for every two statements. Five questions in a row feels like an interview. Keeping the conversation going and conversation threading go deeper on this.
How to read their response
Give it two or three exchanges before you decide anything. People often answer the first line briefly because they're surprised, then warm up.
| Keep going | Wrap it up |
|---|---|
| Answers in full sentences | One-word answers three times in a row |
| Asks you something back | Keeps looking at their phone or the door |
| Turns their body toward you | Body stays angled away |
| Laughs or smiles | Puts headphones back in |
If it's the right column, end it warmly: "Anyway, enjoy your coffee." That's it. No sulking, no second attempt. And if someone says no or walks off, that's the end of it.
Common mistakes and the fix for each
- Opening with a compliment about their body. It puts people on guard. Fix: comment on something they chose, like a book, a jacket, a dog, or a drink.
- Mumbling the opener. Nerves pull your voice down and the other person says "Sorry?" Fix: say your first line at about 20 percent more volume than feels natural.
- Asking only questions. Fix: answer your own question. "Where are you from? I'm from Leeds, so anywhere warm sounds good."
- Standing over someone who's sitting. Fix: crouch slightly, take the empty seat if they say yes, or stand to the side instead of looming.
- Overstaying. Fix: leave while it's still good. A five-minute chat that ends on a laugh beats a twenty-minute one that runs dry.
- Rehearsing a perfect line for ten minutes. Fix: use a boring true line now. Overthinking before you approach covers this.
What to do next
- Talk to five strangers today, with no romantic goal. Ask a barista, a cashier, someone in a line, someone at a bus stop, and anyone you'd normally ignore. Use one line from each section above.
- Try the Human Google method twice this week. Ask "Where would you eat around here if you had one meal?" and follow with "What do you get there?"
- Prepare two follow-ups for every opener you use. Write them in your phone notes. If your opener is about coffee, your follow-ups might be "Do you work around here?" and "I just moved nearby."
- Swap names in every conversation that goes past two minutes. Count how many you manage in a week.
- Log each one the same day. Write the opener, how long it lasted, and what ended it. After 20 conversations, look for the line that got the longest replies and use it more.
If you want to count these properly, Flow lets you log each one as a success, rejection, or pass and shows your streaks over time.