Flow

Sticking points: finding what's holding you back

5 min read

Most guys who feel stuck aren't bad at everything. They're bad at one thing, and that one thing blocks everything after it.

Maybe you can chat with anyone but never ask for a number. Maybe you get numbers easily, but nobody replies to your texts. Maybe you never get as far as hello. The pickup community calls this a sticking point: the specific stage where you keep stalling. It's one of the more practical ideas to come out of that world, because it turns a vague feeling ("I'm bad at dating") into a specific problem you can actually work on.

Think of it as a funnel

Meeting someone and ending up dating them happens in stages. Roughly:

  1. Noticing someone and deciding to approach
  2. Opening the conversation
  3. Keeping it going past the first minute
  4. Building some real connection
  5. Asking for a number or a plan
  6. Following up by text
  7. Setting a date
  8. Going on the date
  9. Seeing each other again

Every stage has a drop-off, and some drop-off is normal. Not everyone you talk to will be interested, and that's fine. Many conversations should end politely. But if almost everything stalls at the same stage, that's your sticking point.

The common sticking points

You don't approach

You go out, see people you'd like to talk to, and go home having said nothing. This is the most common sticking point by far, and it's almost always approach anxiety. The fix is low-stakes reps: a warm-up routine, tiny goals ("say hi to one person"), and lots of practice until approaching feels ordinary.

Conversations die in the first two minutes

You open, they respond, and then there's silence while you hunt for something to say. This is usually about asking closed questions, not sharing anything about yourself, or treating the chat like an interview. How to keep a conversation going covers the fixes: make statements as well as asking questions, follow threads from what they say, and share a bit of yourself.

It stays friendly and never goes anywhere

Nice conversation, lots of laughing, and then you both drift off. Often you never showed any interest. You talked like a friendly stranger, so you were treated like one. The fix is saying something sincere about why you came over. "I'm glad I came over. You're fun to talk to."

You don't ask for the number

The conversation is going well, you can feel it, and you still let it end without asking. This is usually fear of rejection at the point where it feels most personal. See how to ask for a number without it feeling awkward. Keep it simple: "I'd like to keep talking. Can I get your number?"

Numbers don't reply

You get the number, text the next day, and hear nothing. Some of this is just flaking, which is common and often has nothing to do with you. But if it happens almost every time, look at two things: whether there was much real interest in the conversation, and what you're sending. Keep the first text short and specific to something you talked about.

Texts never become dates

You text back and forth for days and never actually meet. The fix is to suggest a specific plan early. "I'm free Thursday evening, want to grab a drink at that place we talked about?"

First dates don't lead to second dates

This one's harder to diagnose. It could be the kind of dates you plan, or nerves, or simply not being a good match. Usually it's worth asking whether you were being yourself or performing.

Inner sticking points

Some sticking points don't sit at a single stage. They show up everywhere.

These are inner game problems, and they respond to the same treatment: more reps at lower stakes, and honesty with yourself about what's going on.

How to find yours

Your gut is a bad judge here. Most people guess wrong about their own sticking point, usually blaming the stage that hurts most rather than the one where things actually break.

Three better sources:

Your own records. If you write down every approach and how far it got, the pattern shows up within a few weeks. Twenty approaches and two numbers points somewhere different from twenty approaches and fifteen numbers with no dates. That's the main reason tracking your approaches helps.

Field reports. Numbers show where you stall. Written reports show why. If every report has a line like "I never said I liked her," you've found it. See how to write a field report.

A wingman's eyes. Someone watching from a few feet away can see things you can't: that you step back after your opener, or that you talk faster when you're nervous.

Work on one at a time

Once you've found your sticking point, give it all your attention for a while.

Working through sticking points is how progress actually happens. You fix one, and the next one appears. That's a sign you're moving, not that you're failing.

What a sticking point isn't

A sticking point is a pattern in your behavior. It isn't every time someone says no.

If someone isn't interested and ends the conversation, that's not a problem to fix. It's a person with their own preferences, and the right response is to say "no worries, have a good night" and mean it. The goal is to get better at being yourself around people you're attracted to, not to find a technique that gets past people's lack of interest.

Flow is built to show you where you stall. Stats includes an outcome funnel (got number, texted, date set, went on a date, dating), so once you've logged a few weeks of approaches, your sticking point is usually sitting right there in the biggest drop.